By Lolu Akinwunmi
Do not attempt a serious diet plan and attend a full-blown Lagos owambe in the same week. It is a structural contradiction.
I was doing well. Discipline. Portion control. Small progress. Encouraging results.
Then we attended one of those classic Lagos celebrations. Excellent crowd. Impeccable venue. Superb music. Everything was on point.
We sat down and were welcomed with premium small chops, not the ordinary kind. About ten to twelve rich varieties. I told myself, “Small chops are small. They don’t count.”
Next came amala and ewedu (gbegiri politely declined), cow leg, fresh fish, assorted meats. I reassured myself: “Amala is not fattening. Meat is protein.”
Then arrived piping hot asaro (yam pottage) mixed with sweet potatoes, garnished generously with panla and assorted meats. At that point, I began to question my spiritual fortitude. I opted for what was meant to be a “small portion.” I finished the plate. It was exceptional.
Just when I thought the test was over, yam chips and grilled fish followed. I contemplated leaving to preserve what was left of my resolve. The celebrant’s husband came to sit beside me. Under pressure, I sampled some. It was excellent. Resistance was weakening.
Then came the real ambush.
White porcelain dishes arrived. Steamed rice. The aroma hit. Eja tutu and Uncle Ben’s rice. They did not even ask if I wanted some. It was respectfully placed before me. At that point, I began binding every negative force in Lagos. I still ate some.
By now, the diet plan had officially entered ICU.
And then — dessert.
Hans & Renée ice cream. Now, those who know me understand that sweets are my weakness. I initially declined. The server actually took me seriously and moved away. I called her back. One must not joke with destiny. The ice cream was placed before me. It did not survive.
Final score:
LA – 0
“Devil” – 5
The weight loss programme resumes tomorrow.
Lagos owambe is not for the faint-hearted. Discipline requires more than prayer.
