By Ike Abonyi
“The main difference between the Church and Politics is that the Church promises heaven later, while politicians promise it before the next election”- Anonymous.
After the July 22, 2022, fake bishops controversy that dogged President Bola Tinubu’s unveiling of his Muslim -Muslim ticket Vice Presidential candidate, Kashim Shettima, in Abuja, many political watchers anxiously looked up to his first meeting with real bishops. Many envisaged such a meeting to be an intriguing confessional encounter. Why? Because the prior event had led many to expect a significant, perhaps confessional, dialogue between the President and genuine religious leaders.
Therefore as Nigerians have been awash with the controversy arising from last week’s meeting of the President and the Catholic bishops, I am driven as a journalist by intellectual curiosity and a penchant for observing societal dynamics, to capture imaginatively the humorous confession the President would have wished contained in his address to the Catholic clerics but he squandered the opportunity, as the issues of poverty and hunger dominated the cantekerous discussion, not minding that hunger had existed even before the President was born.
In ‘Political Musing’ this week, I therefore present to the readers, in a satirical form, an ‘undelivered’ confessional speech of the President to the bishops that couldn’t be presented because of the hunger lecture from both the host and the visitors. From the Bishops to the President, -‘ Nigeria is bleeding, and hunger is ravaging the land’, the President to the Bishops, -‘the Economy has bounced back; as for hunger, it has been there before I was born, and I am officially 74 years old. Here is the address.
“My Lords spiritual, Most Reverends, and Venerable Fathers in God,
First, let me welcome you to the Aso Rock Villa. Please, sit down. Rest your robes. I know some of you walked in here with actual ordination certificates, canonical decrees, and apostolic succession. Beautiful credentials! Truly impressive.
Now, I know why you requested this emergency audience. All you want to tell me today you have severally very well articulated in your various homilies on Sundays. Perhaps if Nigerians listened to you, they would not be greeting politicians on the way, but thank God you limit yourself and your views in your altar. I also noticed some of you who are friends struggling to serve two masters—your congregation and we the politicians. We understand your predicament of trying to serve two masters at the same time and hoping to satisfy them.
My protocol staff harboured concerns that you might decline our modest contribution towards your travel expenses to Abuja. But I advised them to frame it as an ‘Aso Rock offertory to God, through His Lordship.’ This clarification was intended to prevent any breach of church protocol, ensuring you were treated with the utmost respect, unlike the individuals present at my Vice President’s unveiling on July 22, 2022. Regarding that event, notoriously dubbed the ‘Villa Casting Call’ or, as the media sensationalised it, the ‘Fake Bishops Incident,’ I maintain there was nothing inherently fraudulent about them.
They simply operated on a different frequency than your Lordships, but they were undoubtedly attired in clerical garb at that moment.
Let us be frank with each other. As a seasoned political strategist, I believe in inclusion. When we were assembling the spiritual coalition for our grand unveiling, my team said, “Your Excellency, the ‘real’ bishops were very busy with prayer retreats and diocesan administration” for the success of the elections following tensions created by numerous litigations and uproar over the Muslim-Muslim ticket.
So I asked a simple question: “Can we not benchmark the episcopacy?”
To heal this seeming rift between the Church and the State, allow me to offer the following official clarifications.
The controversial robes were not fake but 100% authentic. We did not skimp on fabric. The silk was imported from Rome, the cassocks were tailored in Lagos by one of the celibate tailors trained in Vatican City, and the mitres were adjusted for maximum grandeur. If the theology was a bit light, the embroidery was heavy! But because of the rush, he gave the fabrics to his apprentice.
What you saw as poor finishing was an apprenticeship error. Think of it not as impersonation but as a youth empowerment initiative. We gave young and old, unemployed men a taste of high ecclesiastical office for one afternoon. Is job creation now a sin?
Your lordship might have seen ‘actors hired off the street,’ but for me it was a rapid-onset spiritual devotion. Some of those young men held those wooden crosses with so much vigour, I almost asked them to hear my confession right then and there.
“If a man puts on the suit of a pilot and sits in the cockpit, does he not fly the plane of faith in his heart? Or if an idle civilian puts on a General’s attire, does he not immediately start feeling like a war commander? Why must we discriminate against artisanal, non-licensed clergy?” Heaven cannot be angry at any joke that tries to recruit more members for it.
The media tried to inject bad blood between us by tweaking the whole story, but thank God, at your high spiritual level, you understood the drama.
My Lords, I will not say ‘I am sorry,’ because in Nigerian politics, an apology is a sign of weak coalition-building. Instead, I offer you a bipartisan resolution: henceforth, there will be real bishop verification badges.
Moving forward, all authentic clergy attending Villa events will be issued a special green-and-white code to distinguish you from our background extras.
Next time we need a spiritual audience for a photo op, we will give your dioceses the first right of refusal before we call the Nollywood extras union.
We are willing to donate the surplus cassocks from the event to your local parishes for drama night.
So, my beloved fathers, let us put this behind us. Let us break garri, share the national cake, and pray for the economy. After all, whether fake or real, the prayers all go to the same heavens—ours just came with a slightly higher production budget.
May the Lord bless our pipeline of spiritual manpower.”
You Catholic bishops and your priests remain highly respected, not because you do not marry for full, unhindered and non-distracted service. Your views, even in politics, are very highly regarded for their objectives, but I am tempted to say that your passion regarding Peter Obi’s case exposed you, as your inclination toward him is unprecedented and even biased across ethnic and geographical lines.
Thank God you are not the only voters, but notwithstanding, your discipline, sincerity, and maturity on national issues, as well as your prayers for this country, remain very glaring, and I thank you for that—especially your not indulging in soothsaying and marabouts’ forecasting to confuse and derail the electorate. Your Peter Obi is popular and desired by both Christians and Muslims in the North and South, male and female, adults and youths, but they need to jump a hurdle that needs a strong iron pole that they don’t have.
Even among my challengers is one experienced war horse in politics who wants to keep running for an elusive position until he dies because you men of God and marabouts have assured him of the job even when the permutations are very glaringly unfavourable.
Please, on a final note, my lords, I am very much aware of the marble words of President Bill Clinton’s Spiritual Adviser and influential evangelist Tony Campolo, that “Mixing politics and religion is like mixing ice cream and manure. It doesn’t hurt the manure, but it sure ruins the ice cream.” Religion is dictating politics in Nigeria, which is sad; politicians benefit by using it, but the faith suffers.
Your lordship shouldn’t mind my numerous shortcomings; I most sincerely appreciate your prayers which is actually what is keeping this country one, I urge you never to relent and to always count on my support especially knowing that whenever a politician steps into a church, everyone looks to see if he’s reaching for his wallet or the microphone, I sure you that in my case, will reach for both. Thanks for the visit, and God bless
