Funke Egbemode
So you rent a three-bedroom flat for your side chick and furnish it. It does not make you her lord and personal saviour. What will make her treat you like the king of the manor is the way you treat her. If you treat her like trash and she stomachs it, don’t be fooled into thinking that she has no choice. She does. She is just bidding her time. Besides, every woman has a limit. Once the elastic of her endurance gets to the limit, she will snap and that part of her that you did not even know existed will surface and start snarling. Of course, dude, you will be shocked but every woman, no matter how patient and calm, has a rebel deep inside her.
Okay, where is all this coming from?
A young woman woke up to find gun-totting goons at her door one morning. The tough-looking men shoved her back into the living room and proceeded to empty the apartment of everything from cooker to bed and television set. Then her boyfriend of 10 years strolled in and told her:
‘You think you can enjoy the best of two worlds, right, you two-timing opportunistic bitch. When this year’s rent expires, tell your new boyfriend to pay. I rent a flat for you and you have the audacity to bring another man in here to sleep with you on the bed that I bought with my money?’
The sugar daddy knew the rent will expire in February and did this in January, the longest month of the year. The unfortunate sugar girl sat on the floor and wept bitterly for hours until one of her friends went and bought her two plastic chairs and a mattress.
My verdict. The sugar daddy was mean. The side chick is foolish, very foolish. I will start with the guy. A man who throws a girlfriend or mistress out just because he is no longer interested in her is a small-minded bush man. It does not matter the size of his Range Rover or the number of the designer wears in his closet, he is still a bush man. If you are big enough to keep a side chick, you should be big enough to walk away with your head high and your swagger intact when things fall apart. Where the heck are you gonna take the furniture and gas cooker your thugs retrieved? To the new apartment of your next victim? How does a whole decade of ‘honey’ and ‘babe’ turn this sour? Come on, there should be sweet moments she gave you that must qualify her for pension and gratuity. Ten years certainly qualifies her for long service award!
Now, to the crying side-chick. Being a side chick is like being a yahoo boy, you need your wits about you. You can’t be anything but smart. Never lose sight of the golden rule: a side chick is not a wife. Until the man gives you his name or ring, never let down your guard. No lose guard, as they say on the streets. Do not allow yourself to be sucked in by a besotted sugar daddy’s sweet tongue and passionate attention. Never forget that he always goes back home no matter how sweet the night or how long the weekend. Do not underestimate the woman at home, the wife of his youth. You, darling side chick is an afterthought, a novelty, most times a passing phase. Therefore, do not overestimate yourself.
A side-chick’s sense of self-preservation must never fall below 85 per cent. She must protect her self-esteem with all she’s got. Be respectful but never put anybody before yourself. You first, girl, in your own interest. Take full advantage of the pampering, the generous gifts. Do not forget that the dude came after you because you are what he wanted, not because you wanted him. He put himself, his desire first. Never forget that. Do not fritter away whatever he showers on you. Do not assume he will make a wife of you until he actually does so. Even if he tells you he is leaving his wife, tell him you trust him and you ‘know he can never lie to you.’ He has a right to say and do whatever helps lower his blood pressure. You also reserve all rights to protect yourself.
Remember if he picked you up from the gutter, he also may decide to return you there. If you forget where you are coming from because of that latest iPhone, you have nobody else to blame if things go belly-up and you are left in the cold.
A stern warning here. Do not let your sugar daddy rent you a flat. Do not let him rent you a shop or an office. He can fund the two projects. He should give you the money to search for what suits you and what he can afford. Respectfully, take him there on a Sunday to ’approve’. It is not his job as the ‘owner of your head’ to go house-hunting. All you need is his money and approval. Make sure your name is on the lease or receipt. Furnish at your pace but buy your own furniture. Buy the goods for your shop. Never think the raining day would not come. Always think of tomorrow, the day ‘Oga’ might decide to replace you or punish you. No lose guard until and unless this journey becomes a destination.
In the event that a side chick decides to move on, it is dangerous to string the sugar daddy on or play him for a fool. She should remember that the man did not get to where he is by being a softie. Move your things as you move on. Indeed, my advice is if you have already fallen into the trap of living in an apartment rented by a sugar daddy and you want to leave him, then you must leave the apartment also. You cannot be driving a car bought by a ‘bush’ sugar daddy, jilt him and expect to keep the car. Note the emphasis on ‘bush’ here. Some men, no matter the number of degrees they have cannot attain certain levels of sophistication and there are rich, unlettered cocoa farmers who are urbane in many ways. There are men who do not see themselves as lord and master of their side chicks. They actually genuinely cherish and care for the women in their lives. Whatever they give, they give totally. They are not vindictive and they do not think their girlfriends don’t deserve happiness if they fall out. However, since you cannot know a sadist or vindictive man by just looking at his face, it is better to be safe than sorry. Keep your wits about you and know that if he does not think you are good enough to take home, do not allow yourself to feel at home with him.
Why does a man who has a wife/wives at home expect his side chick to be faithful? If you won’t marry her, you must at some point know that someone else will offer her a better and more permanent deal. Just move on to the next chick instead of embarrassing everybody, including yourself. If you won’t give her your name or your home, she will move on eventually. That is the realistic truth. Know that and know peace.
Egbemode, a former Editor of Sunday Sun, former Managing Director/Editor-in-Chief of New Telegraph and former President of the Nigerian Guild of Editors (NGE) writes from egbemode3@gmail.com.
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